SEX

It is impossible to be a teenage girl and not think about love. It is impossible to be a teenage guy and not think about sex. It is impossible to be a teenage human and not want to explore your sexuality. Both our emotions and our bodies seem to be screaming at us as hormones speed through the hurricane of puberty. Music teaches us love. Movies teach us sex. The church teaches us marriage. And somehow we try to put the puzzle pieces together.

While many youth groups study True Love Waits, an abstinence program, during this time of the year . . . not all students are waiting until they get married to have sex. Newsweek magazine reports that almost 50% of guys and around 45% of girls have had sex by the time they reach age 18 (Newsweek, Dec. 9 2002, p.66).

WHILE SEX IS A GIFT FROM GOD, IS IT A GIFT TO BE ENJOYED OUTSIDE OF MARRIATE? IS IT OK FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MARRIED TO HAVE SEX IF THEY KNOW THEY LOVE EACH OTHER? Read what these church-going teenagers say about the relationship of love, sex, and marriage . . .

By the way, students are defining "sex" differently than they did 10 years ago. (Thanks to former President Clinton?) According to students polled from this website:
29% of students DO NOT consider oral sex to be "real sex"
67% of students DO consider oral sex "real sex"
4% aren't sure

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE INCLUDED IN FUTURE CONVERSATIONS AND SURVEYS,
Subscribe to the mailing list

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE PAST CONVERSATIONS, GO TO
Interactive Archives


I don't really think sex is a toy. Sex is like a tool. It can be used for (ahem) non-productive purposes, but I think it's not something that can be abused. I think God created it so that people can reproduce, I don't think he gave us sex because we need stuff to do when we are bored. Griffin, age 15

I think sex is only okay if two people are in love. No, I am not a virgin, and the reason is because I was/still am in love. . . I don't regret having sex with him, but I won't be so soon to have sex with my next true love, if one comes along. I still love him and miss him truly, but I guess that's why you are supposed to wait since you don't know if you will marry your first true love . . . I have tried to move on but it's hard. I really do think two people should wait until they are for sure of their love before they have sex, if not a lot can go wrong, and people can get hurt." Teresa, age 16

That's true [that God made sex so people have a way of making each other feel good], but God also meant for Love to be something shared between two people in Love. Married and in Love. God's set high standards for us all, and wants for us to have the best, and He does this by ordaining sex to be something special, and to be cherished by mature, married couples in Love. There are other ways of expressing Love before marriage, and respecting the other person enough to keep things pure is one way. Janet, 18

I definitely think it's wrong to have sex with someone that you are not in love with. I don't really agree with the "wait till you get married" thing, but I do think you should be in love with the person that you are going to have sex with. April, age 16

No, it is not okay to have sex before you are married even if you love that person! If you truly love that person, you can wait until the two of you are married! Sex is a precious thing and is suppose to be valued! It is like a special gift to have your virginity! Would you want to give an opened, used present to someone special or to anyone? . . . Sex is only okay after you have married the person you are in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with them! . . . Sex isn't okay before marriage! Nikki , age 16

I think that you don't have to be in love to have sex, but it's always nice, and a lot of times, there's no connection between love and sex. I think you should have sex when you're ready, not when your church thinks you should be or when all your friends are having it. If you feel a sexual connection with the person you're dating, and you're ready, and taking the proper precautions, a person should be able to have sex. Lauren, age 16

Personally, I agree with what you would call "church answers." Yes, I do believe that true love really does wait. There are many other ways to make a person "feel good." Lindsay, age 15

Yes, you should wait. Obviously the main reason is because God commanded it; but also--- even if you're not a Christian (or if you are) and you get married after already having a dozen partners... what makes it special between you and your spouse? Sex is sacred and intended only within the confines of marriage. If you really love someone then you should wait until you know that you will spend the rest of your life with that person and that person only. Kris, age 17

I have a split decision about this. I know some of my friends who do have sex with their boyfriend, or girlfriend because they think that they are in love and will one day hopefully get married. But then, I have other friends who only kiss because they might get married one day and she only wants to kiss (and nothing else) with the man that she knows she will marry. I think that love and sex do go together, sometimes. If people think that they are in love, some think that they HAVE to have sex because that's what people say you do when you are in love. I also believe that you should wait until you are married. I really have mixed feelings about this topic. There are also the "mistakes" that you make with sex. For example, if you are out at some party and you and some guy are making out all hot and heavy and it just sorta happens because you are all up in the moment, I think that that kind of sex can be prevented because it wasn't really worth it. I just have mixed feelings about sex and marriage and love. Sex in high school to most people is completely meaningless, and I think that that type of sex is wrong. Sex is not just a relationship fixer because then, sooner or later, that could be all your relationship is based on. I am not saying that that happens all the time, but I know it does often. Because all you do is have sex, that's all you know your relationship as, you forget about the feeling behind it. I don't think that that is right. So, to me, there are different types of sex. I don't know if you understood any of that, but that is how I see it. Danielle, age 16

Love is a real important thing that is often abused in relationships. I personally believe that you don't tell someone you love them unless you mean it, and that stupid saying "I don't love them (their significant other), I'm just in love with them," what's that supposed to mean? Love is a bond that connects to people in a relationship, and God meant for sex to be shared between to people that loved each other and not to make someone happy! . . . Like I said, love is a bond that connects two people, so I think that love promotes marriage so you should wait to make sure that your really in love, and if your in love you'll respect each other enough to wait till the time is right, which is marriage. anonymous

When you get married you are just tying the knot! What does a ring have to do with love? I kinda see it like when you get baptized! You can accept God and not have to be dunked under the water that is just to show your church and to be public with your decision to have Christ in your life! That is kinda like getting married! To tell ya the truth, I haven't really thought of that this way before! I don't really see anything wrong with it! I don't mean you can go around having sex all of the time but if you are like going to get married or you love each other than I don't see a problem with it! Caitlin, age 15

Sex outside of marriage is NOT ok. Sex doesn't fix a relationship, it only makes things more complicated. Even if you take out the fact that God does not approve of pre-marital sex, it comes with other consequences. Unwanted pregnancies, diseases, and whatever else is out there. And if you consider those risks relationship fixers, you are CRAZY! If two people really love each other and want to have sex, then they should get married first. If you can't handle a commitment to marry a person, you certainly can't handle the commitment that comes along with sex, because it's an emotional commitment - not just a physical one. Jessica, age 16

Sex without love is not what God intended it to be! He intended sex to be a gift for your spouse on your wedding night, and to show as a final display of love. When you have pre-marital sex, you are cheating on your spouse, and depriving them of the ultimate gift of love! Morgan

The connection between love and sex is like that of becoming a Christian and baptism. The two people involved who are in love leave their father and mother and are joined to each other and become one. Becoming one happens on so many levels, mental, emotional, spiritual, and then physical. Just as baptism is the outward display of what's gone on in the inside, sex should be the outward display of what God's done in the lives of the two people He has called to be with each other. If you really love a person, you'll be willing to wait for them until you are married (to them!). . . God is omniscient, and He told the ancient Israelites not to engage in premarital sex. At that time, they didn't have doctors running around screaming about "STD's" or AIDS. Not to mention all the mental and emotional anguish. God knew though. He gave them (and us) that law because it's what's best for us. We only have a limited knowledge. There may be more involved with premarital sex (medically) than we already know about. God's sovereign and knows everything. He desires the very best for our lives, and loves us more than we'll ever know. I think it's a safe choice to trust His discretion. Kate, age 16

In the Bible, it says do not have sex before you're married. It doesn't say "unless you're really in love." It doesn't say "unless you just had a fight and want to forget what you're mad about." And it definitely doesn't say "unless you think it will make you happy and be lots of fun." You should never have sex before you are married. Rachel, age 15

I think it's okay if you have sex with someone if you are POSITIVE that you love that person and want to be with that person for the rest of your life. I'm in love with my boyfriend and he wants to do it. But I feel like I'm too young even though I do truly love him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but if you're safe and love that person then I think it's okay if you do it before you are married. Steph, age 15
Steph, hang in there! You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do. Remember, love and sex are not the same thing! Bryan

I think waiting to have sex till you're married is best. If you do, then you have nothing to compare it to. It also takes away the risk of STD's and pregnancy. Jessica

If you think about love and sex, they naturally go hand in hand. A person who is love wants to be intimate with the person they are in love with and sex is the ultimate way of being intimate. It is just the context of sex...God made sex as a way for a man and woman to truly become one under Him. Yes I think someone who is in love with another it is ok for them to have sex, but NOT if they are not married. If you ponder what sex is and what the bible says about marriage...sex is made for marriage. It makes sense. God made us to fit gently with the person we will be with forever...to fit together so we can become one...but only if this is a recognized marriage between us and the Lord. And if we are to wait until we are married and God has approval of our intimacy with our husband/wife it makes it 20 million times better than it would have been if we didn't wait. God is good...and He makes life great so long as we follow His way! Go God! Woo Hoo! Kel

Love is an important component when it comes to having sex, but it goes beyond that. Commitment is of a great importance. True Commitment, not the glandular kind. Rational thought is what separates humans from animals. Animals have sex. It is up to humans to carry it to a much higher level in both the physical and emotional realm. Sex may smooth a lot of things over, but it is only temporary. A commitment of one's self totally and completely will allow the things that need smoothing over to not happen at all. Wait, it is worth it. parent, age 45

Sex without love is just an action. You can have "sex" without love...but you can't have physical intimacy and share a part of yourself without being in love with that person. But being in love is not enough. Everybody needs to know that you're in love by the matching rings on your left ring finger. So sex without love is just sex, but love -- that's something different completely. Stacy, age 19

I have had sex, and no it is not okay for two people to have sex outside of marriage. And I had to learn that the hard way. I was 14 when I first had sex. I had been dating the guy for almost a year and we decided to have sex because we thought we loved each other. So we had sex numerous times and we had sex without protection and I thought that I was pregnant. Well I broke up with him and then a couple months latter we got back together and we started right back up with sex. That was our relationship and three months ago. I broke up with him because he did not trust me and he controlled my life. So in the past three months I have come closer to God. I have a great boyfriend right now and he and I are great together and we have talked about sex but we are not going to have sex! I am waiting till marriage from now on. Mandy, age 15
Good for you, Mandy!! Bryan

In my opinion, if two people are really in love then they should be willing to wait until they get married to have sex. If you're not in love with someone, then I really don't even think that should be an issue. And if it is, then it's time to seriously consider what's important to you and what you want in your relationship. Betsy, age 17

The only safe sex is abstinence. We had this thing a long time ago called true love waits, and we had a long Bible study thing on it, and at the end of it we all signed these card things making a commitment to our future wives, children and God, not to have sex until we're are married. I say if you truly love each other then you can and should wait. Dave

I think that to have sex you should be married. In my opinion I think that people should be married to have sex. Even if you love someone and you think that you will be with them forever. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. You could break up and never see that person again. Jenny, age 14

No, it's not ok [to have sex] unless you are married. How do you know if you REALLY love someone? You might just think you do but do you love them enough to live with them every day of your life till you die? Shannon, age 16

I've grown up and have been taught morals, and I think that morally it's not right for any man or woman to have sex before marriage. . . Sex I believe is a very important and sacred thing that should only be shared between a man and a woman in the bond of marriage. It aggravates me to see people that are so young and think nothing of having sex. Relationships and marriages end now because they have pre-marital sex. If they stopped, yeah a lot of men wouldn't be happy, but morals would be kept. So even though you may really love someone it's not right unless you are a man and a woman married to each other. Betsy, age 14

Of course having sex out of marriage is wrong. Just because you think you love them doesn't make it right. If you really love them you would be married. It is wrong because it is sin. God made sex to be something special and wonderful for married people. If you have sex with a lot of people before you get married you are not just breaking God's law but you are throwing away his gift. Sex will not be the wonderful thing god made it to be if you do not follow his rules. Sex out of marriage is absolutely wrong. Tim, age 15

I've seen so many of my friends that are in relationships controlled by sex. I see so much where sex is the main point of their relationship, and that is wrong. Sex is like a connection between two people that is not only physical, but emotional, and spiritual too. God knows that until we are married, we're not ready for that. That is why He intended on us to wait until marriage. I know that I am going to wait until I am married to have sex. I want it to be special and really mean something to my husband and me. Think about the first time you rode a bike, your first kiss...first car, first cd you ever bought. Those "firsts" are very important in your life, and you never forget them. That's how I want sex to be. I want to be able to look back in 20 years and when recalling all my "firsts" I want to know that I gave myself to ONLY my husband, the love of my life. Each time you share a physical relationship with someone, you give part of yourself away. I want to be able to give my whole self to my husband, including my sexual purity. Yes, I believe that two people, when they love each other, should share that special bond. But I don't believe that you really "love" someone in that sense until you find your life partner and get married. And sex should be saved for marriage. Anna

You don't really love them if all you want to do is sleep with them, that's called LUST. Wait for someone you really love, then you won't need sex to make you happy- just them being there will. And the fact that you've waited for them will make them love you even more. Emily, age 14

Love is when you are commented and also dedicated to one individual person! Sex is a totally different concept. Most people believe that they are in love because they have sex. Well they probably would not admit that, but anyways that's what I believe! Now if two people truly and honestly love each other, they would wait! Right? Well for myself I would try my hardest to not do anything like that! I mean, what's going to happen on my wedding night? It'll be nothing to me. It will not be special or anything like that only for the fact that I did not wait! I made a promise to God to help me not get in any kind of situation to where I would have sex before I was married. So far so good! I also asked Him to help me keep my promise and never loose it. I have much faith in Him because He is my reason! Hopefully you will make that promise also! Andrea, age 16

I think that you should wait to have sex. The person that you are with might want to wait to have sex until she/he is married. I have already made a commitment to God, that I will wait until I am married to have sex. . . God knows who is the one for me, and I am waiting. I think that everyone should wait until they are married, because the person you are married to is the right one for you. These are my opinions! Morgan, age 14

If someone really loved you they would love you enough to not sleep with you. J, age 16

Yes I think you have to be in love to have sex. (Just because you are dating and say I love you to each other dosen't mean your in love either.) Even though you are dating dosen't make it right to have sex, I mean do you really want to have to tell your husband or wife that you are not a virgin? I just think that you should wait to have sex. Cala, age 14

I think it's OK for two people to have sex if they love eachother in the bonds of marriage. I've noticed that if you have sex before marriage that it may feel good while you're with that person and it may seem great but really it's not. You just lost the most imporant gift you could give to your husband-yourself. Not only did you lose that gift but now that you have that special tie with someone you are going to get very depressed when you break up. You also don't wanna have sex so much that when you have it with that one special person it doesn't feel important anymore. Kelly, age 15

Sex is a gift from God only to be enjoyed in a marriage relationship. Sex is symbolic of two people becoming one flesh. When you become one flesh with someone who is not your husband, you will not be able to give yourself fully to your husband one day, which normally results in pain and baggage that you carry with you. The consequences of sex outside of marriage are too great to risk having sex. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, hurting your family, etc. can be detrimental to you life. Flee from all hints of sexual immorality. Do beautiful things for God and let him make you beautiful. Save sex for the relationship that God designed it to be for: marriage! Andy, 22

I think sex is more than recreation...it's something you share with someone you love and when you're a teenager you don't really know what love is so you shouldn't be having sex. Rachel, age 17

A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across a note that I was passing with a friend about three years ago. At that time I was "dating" a guy named J***, even though we never really went out. In this note to my friend, I saw that I had told her that I "loved him." I was really disgusted with that. Since I have become a Christian, I have never felt cheaped out by not getting to participate in the world's view of love. God's way is sooo much better. It's true romance. Even though I am not dating anyone now (and I haven't in two years), it hasn't been because I didn't get the chance, it was because I was waiting for God's choice for me. In the meantime, you can develop an intense love affair with Him. Kate, 16

SEX IS BEAUTIFUL IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY THINGS SATAN HAS CORRUPTED - I am of the 50% that had sex before the age of 18 and I can tell you that sex is a good thing that can be turned bad. Sex was created by God for a man and a woman to enjoy in a marriage relationship. God made it for a marriage relationship because when people are joined in marriage they are joined under God (or they are supposed to be at least) not parting until death. Therefore they are able to handle sex and all of the mental/physical/spiritual loads it carries. Most couples that have sex before marriage if/when they break up, break up badly. Full of pain. Full of hate. Full of torn emotions. A piece of the person is literally gone. They can never get it back. However, God can restore. He restores but He doesn't let the person forget so they may use it to better His kingdom. I have given my testimony many times because people look at me in amazement when they see: wow this now church guy once was into the party scene, with girls, alcohol, etc. and now he has pulled a 180. Sex is beautiful it is just one of the MANY things that Satan has corrupted. AJ, age 19

Sex is not okay outside marriage. God meant sex to be a special thing between two people who are married. Many people today think they are in love and then it turns out not to be true love, you cannot rely on if you feel "in love" with a person. It is sad the number of people today who do not believe sex is something special enough to wait for their marriage partner. Everything we "feel" is not necessarily what God wants. Follow God not necessarily your feelings. The devil can be deceitful. Tyler, age 18

It is so funny how people who claim to live for Gad do such ungodly things, but God even knows that everyone makes mistakes and he forgives us for those mistakes. Sex is ofton no mistake but sometimes it is! God knows and if you just ask him he will forgive you because he loves you. However, if you keep doing it and asking for that forgiveness then it is NO MISTAKE! . . . Sex is a beautiful thing--inside the marriage I see too many of my peers pregnant and it is very scary! Make smart decisions when it comes to sex--it will all pay off when you can tell the man or women you marry " I saved myself just for you because I knew God had you there for me all my life" Kyra, age 15

Sex was made for husband and wife within the bonds of marraige. I dont think it's right to take advantage of that. Just because it makes someone happy doesnt mean its right and I seriously doubt it makes anyone truely happy. A lot of people have the mixed up notion in their head that sex means love, and it doesnt. Love means marriage and marriage includes sex. Outside of marriage no one should be having sex. There are to many risks. Cristina

I have been through all the temptations anyone could ever go through. A year or so ago I thought I had fallen in love, I thought this guy was the absolute greatest guy possible. I was so close to having sex with him a few times... I don't know how I got out of the relationship still a virgin, it must have been by God's grace. But now that I look back on the relationship, I realize that he was so horrible towards me. Not having sex with him was one of the greatest paths I have ever taken and probably the greatest I will ever take. So sex is very serious, it's not a toy, and it was made to be enjoyed inside marriage. If you brake that rule you end up with an upside down love life, only bringing you more problems than you can handle. So WAIT TO HAVE SEX! Trust me it will be one of the best paths you take in your life. female, age 18

I think that it is right to wait till your married to have sex! if you are smart and can say no then there is a better chance to not get AIDS and std’s. Also, God has a plan for everyone and a partner for everyone but I think that person is the person you will marry. But you never know who it will be! So just wait! Jenna

I think our society does a poor job at telling the youth of how much pain sex before marriage will cause them! They tell us to practice safe sex but that doesn't protect us from the emotional scares and pain sex outside of marriage causes. I have made mistakes and never did I realize how much emotional pain sex outside of marriage would cause me. God places desires in us for a reason, but he also put rules for a reason because he loves us and doesn't want to see us get hurt. I think Christians should stress that the reason God places boundaries is because he loves us as any daddy loves his child and wants to protect us. Tosha

I think oral sex isn’t sex just a way to get pleasure. I think it is ok to give or get oral sex and I think you are still a virgin. “Virgin” is just some word a scientist came up with to say whether or not you have had sexual intercourse. female



Subscribe to the mailing list

Unsubscribe from the mailing list

Interactive Archives


Check out Bryan's new book, Dead Bunnies, at www.deadbunniesbook.com